To a woman who felt lost, from a man who’s known that feeling
The below post is inspired by feelings and memories evoked of my own journey after reading Vanessa Torre’s post :
I’d recommend you read it before proceeding to get some of the references. But hey! If you don’t mind a few missed references, go right ahead…
As I read your post, I felt like replying to your every statement. Every honest expression of what this feeling can be like. Everything you’ve said rekindles a thousand memories in me. And I know you’re exercising tremendous self control and grace in keeping those emotions in check while respecting the reader and not inundating him with a thousand variations of every one of the ways in which that feeling colours things.
I’ve done the looking at the spreadsheet part. At the planning my reserves part where I had enough where I could take the plunge and go explore what I was ‘passionate’ about. That doesn’t feel like a rat running on a wheel, where the cheese doesn’t do anything for you.
I’ve also done the brass ring chasing. Collected more than my fair share. And seen them gather dust as I looked longingly at anyone who displayed any hint of enthusiasm about what they were doing. The genuine, “I can’t believe I’m getting to do this kind”.
I had the promotions in front of me. And my final review with my Boss went something like this…
“You want to quit?
But I had you pegged down for the next promotion. Hell, I was even pegging you to the top management as someone to groom for the very highest positions.”
“Sorry, but I can’t take another day of this. I can’t fake it anymore that I care. I don’t want the responsibilities that I know I’m capable of. I just don’t want it.”
But I went a few steps further than you. I can’t take credit for it. My disinterestedness was starting to infect all parts of my life. I had long passed whatever numbers I was hoping to reach in my spreadsheet. I just had to act.
So I experienced also the conversation with the woman I was about to marry. To tell her that she’d be marrying a guy who wanted to leave his carefully built career of many years and find what he wants to do. And he has no idea what that might be.
I experienced the conversation with my parents, who struggled to understand what else I was expecting out of life. To their credit they were not negative, just unable to relate.
One night I penned down the following to express it better :
I’m putting off what needs to be done,
till tomorrow I say,
Let me at least breathe this very day,
The loads I shall lift tomorrow,
When I’m stronger,
When I’m sure.But no rest comes my way,
I’m lifting the loads even as this they say,
You see my shoulders bare,
Not the load in my heart I bear.
The quiet knowledge inside I know,
That surrender to my fears this day I have done,
When I choose to live this moment whose desires I have none.So to my scared heart I have this to say,
There’s no need to be this vexed,
Of fears and worries of what comes next.
This, and only this truly know I do,
Just whether this next step is true.I know not where this road leads,
Just that this path is mine to walk,
Mine to bear,
Mine to witness,
Mine to Live
And to die on.
I’m guessing till this point there’s probably nothing new for you. It’s possibly just a different version of the same dance.
But here’s what played next….
I quit. Point blank. The last bit of courage I needed I got from one of the those experiences of life that you needed but don’t realise how much you need it till it happens.
I did a course with the Art of Living Foundation. A course which has changed millions of lives…and also changed mine. Through a rhythmic breathing process called the Sudarshan Kriya, I felt like my mind just drop the fatigue of many years that I wasn’t even aware I was carrying.
I immediately went for a deeper meditation retreat with them. My boss who was used to the ambitious me barely taking any vacations was a little taken aback when I went to him not to ask, but to tell that I’m going on leave. I was just ready to move forward.
The Advanced Course
It blew my mind.
In a few short days, I was happiest than I’d been in years. And I’d done nothing. Next to nothing.
It turned my life upside down.
Till now what was paralysing me in taking action was the fact that at my core I wasn’t sure.
I wasn’t sure if the disinterest and lack of connection I was feeling with my own life, was a consequence of my having crafted a life that I no longer wanted, or a consequence of something amiss in me. Whether I needed to change my life, or change myself. What had made this tougher was the fact that I was living the life that I’d always wanted to craft for myself. I was successful. I had responsibility. I had challenges. I had the love and respect of my bosses, colleagues, the 200 people whose boss I was, and even my customers. As per every conceivable metric I should have been happy and eager to live my life. And everyone around me seemed okay with their lives. While I couldn’t bear the thought of going on like this. I was far from happy and content.
But after those 4 days I was. I was happy. I was content. And I’d done nothing!
Nothing ostensibly.
But what I had done was go inside myself. Cut myself off from the world, guided by some expert teachers, in a program crafted by a man who’s responsible for brining peace into even war-torn Columbia, Sri Sri Ravishankar.
And what I found on going deep, was immense wells of happiness. I just gushed out of me. And I needed nothing to make it happen. It was already there. In Sri Sri’s words, “Happiness is your very nature”. All I needed was to learn to connect with it.
Turned my life upside down.
Till now I was living a life where I thought I had to live a certain way, and happiness will follow.
What I now realised was that Happiness is already there. Just a little skill to get out of my own way, and I’m free to now live my life as an expression of it.
Instead of searching for them, I could now start living in a way that allowed me to express my joy and love!
That was the last straw.
I realised that whatever gifts I had, I didn’t want to express them where I was.
I came back from the vacation. And without any idea of what I was going to do next, I quit. All I was sure of was that I didn’t want to be where I was.
So I left to find where I wanted/needed to be…
It’s been three years since. I spent the first year going deeper into myself. Connecting back with all parts of me that I’d let atrophy. Reconnecting back with life in all the ways I’d let decay while I was rushing through my days. With friends. Family. Make amends where I’d unjustly let my frustrations vent on someone who didn’t deserve to be treated the way I had treated them.
Then I got to the job of figuring out how I wanted to share my joy at having this life. At being alive. At sharing this earth at the same time with so many unique, wonderful people. At how I wanted to bring smiles and make their lives beautiful and enjoyable in some meaningful way.
This writing, this article is one humble attempt at the same. While the writing might be raw at places, the emotions and the intentions are genuine. And what I can tell you from the few steps I seem to have taken in the direction that beckoned… you are immensely blessed to have outgrown the lure of all that draws us into the mindless running. Nearly all see at some level the shortcomings of that, but few get to experience that disenchantment from within with the promised lands we’d all been told to head for.
Take the next few steps. You’re ready. Go deeper into life and yourself. I’ve shared one such way that worked wonders for me, explore it. Or find some other way which appeals more to you. When we get free of our big desires and start yearning for the simplicity of life, life responds. For the first time you’re ready to stop running and listen. Listen to her songs. Her lullabies. For as you put it, for the first time you’re interested in BEing. And not in becoming.
She’s been waiting patiently for this. You’ve been waiting unknowingly for this. It does get more interesting. I promise you that.
